BrynneAlexis.

into the cookie world, and my oh my, it’s a wonderful world.

I’ve started this ridiculous diet of eating close to nothing and cutting out dairy completely because my next tournament is in three weeks. I’m trying to lose weight to fight in the next division down. I biked to and from jiu jitsu on Wednesday night, trained for two hours, then did an hour of kickboxing. I woke up yesterday feeling like I had no legs. I trained again this morning, walked 2.5 miles and decided to be done for the day. Something I just read irritated me a bit and now I feel like I can run five miles. I guess mind over matter really is true.

rovert:

I have saved everything I’ve written on here over the past year to both of my computers. Now, I am going to delete everything up till last month. It’s time to start a new chapter that will bring new experiences and lessons learned. 

i’m definitely going to copy what you’re doing. i think that i’m going to start a new journal as well

My ex boyfriend decided to hack my page and write a long post on ridiculousness. There has been so much drama in the last few months that I don’t know what to do with myself this summer. I’m definitely going to only focus on myself because I don’t want any more relationships for a while. Jumping from one to another within a span of two months is pretty unhealthy, and I need time for me. I can definitely say that I am happier now than I have been. Sometimes I think we feel happy in a situation, but we realize that we’re way happier when we’re out of the situation. I’m glad that my friends are happy to let me in their lives again after I so rudely shunned them. I’m glad that my parents are supporting me 100 percent after I did some pretty terrible things to them. I can’t wait to find out where my life is headed now. I’m a free sailor, and the water’s lookin’ pretty good.

Speaking of sailors, my cruise was absolutely perfect. I met an amazingly awesome person, but he lives across the country in Colorado. I swam with dolphins in Grand Cayman and parasailed in Cozumel. Also, I got a pretty sweet tan and drank lots of alcohol. Haha, I relaxed during the day and partied all night. I wish my whole summer could be as good as this past week.

My eyes are open, and I’m not even closing them to blink.

jimmylazers:

brynnealexis:

And I will be legal.

…finally

Honestly, I’m not looking forward to it like I thought I would be. It doesn’t feel like my birthday, and I have no one to celebrate it with except for my family. No friends to celebrate it with because friends stab you in the back. It’s quite pathetic. What was the point of taking off work when I have no celebrations planned? I feel like my jobs are my only two identities these days.

Happy Birthday.

Thank you aubbers

And I will be legal.

…finally

Honestly, I’m not looking forward to it like I thought I would be. It doesn’t feel like my birthday, and I have no one to celebrate it with except for my family. No friends to celebrate it with because friends stab you in the back. It’s quite pathetic. What was the point of taking off work when I have no celebrations planned? I feel like my jobs are my only two identities these days.

If you ever want to brighten up your day, purchase a bouquet of lilies. Unbeknownst to me, lilies are these huge pink flowers that smell unlike anything. They remind me of my old favorite flowers, orchids, except they’re way bigger. They’re beautiful-my boyfriend gave them to me and they put a smile on my face every time I walk into my room. 

It’s been a while since I’ve written because I’ve been so busy with life. I have a lot to say, yet I feel like a lot of it isn’t worth the time to write, which is why I’ve neglected Tumblr and my journal. A lot has happened in the last few months. The ghosts of my past continue to haunt me as if I’m Scrooge. No matter what I do to forget, they remain. It doesn’t help that I’ve burdened my boyfriend with the scars from before because he can’t forget either. I’ve always felt that the past always needs to be known when you love someone, but I think the total opposite now. Yes, some things need to be out in the open, but some things are better left unsaid. The past is gone for a reason, and I think we spend too much of our lives looking back. I want so badly to let go of all the pain, but I can’t. I’m afraid that I will be scarred for life. I plan to talk to someone when I have the time and money, because there are some things too intense for non-professionals to help me work through. 

I want so badly to love myself. I want to look at myself in the mirror every morning and smile because I know I’m worth the world to someone. But I can’t. Once in a while I’ll see that illusion of myself, but I blink and it vanishes. I want to so badly let down my steel wall and show emotion to the people I love, but I don’t know how to take down something that’s been put up for seventeen years. He deserves to see how much I care, he deserves to see a side no one has ever seen before, but it’s locked away.

I will be eighteen on Tuesday, and I hope to start fresh. I would love to finally see the side of me that shines to everyone else, but as of now I see a pitiful being of someone who could have been, should have been, incredible. 

I got the scholarship I applied to: $10,000 on top of the numerous other scholarships I’ve been offered! 

I get to live on campus, finally getting out of my house!

do i always fuck good things up?

:’(