Lilies
If you ever want to brighten up your day, purchase a bouquet of lilies. Unbeknownst to me, lilies are these huge pink flowers that smell unlike anything. They remind me of my old favorite flowers, orchids, except they’re way bigger. They’re beautiful-my boyfriend gave them to me and they put a smile on my face every time I walk into my room.
It’s been a while since I’ve written because I’ve been so busy with life. I have a lot to say, yet I feel like a lot of it isn’t worth the time to write, which is why I’ve neglected Tumblr and my journal. A lot has happened in the last few months. The ghosts of my past continue to haunt me as if I’m Scrooge. No matter what I do to forget, they remain. It doesn’t help that I’ve burdened my boyfriend with the scars from before because he can’t forget either. I’ve always felt that the past always needs to be known when you love someone, but I think the total opposite now. Yes, some things need to be out in the open, but some things are better left unsaid. The past is gone for a reason, and I think we spend too much of our lives looking back. I want so badly to let go of all the pain, but I can’t. I’m afraid that I will be scarred for life. I plan to talk to someone when I have the time and money, because there are some things too intense for non-professionals to help me work through.
I want so badly to love myself. I want to look at myself in the mirror every morning and smile because I know I’m worth the world to someone. But I can’t. Once in a while I’ll see that illusion of myself, but I blink and it vanishes. I want to so badly let down my steel wall and show emotion to the people I love, but I don’t know how to take down something that’s been put up for seventeen years. He deserves to see how much I care, he deserves to see a side no one has ever seen before, but it’s locked away.
I will be eighteen on Tuesday, and I hope to start fresh. I would love to finally see the side of me that shines to everyone else, but as of now I see a pitiful being of someone who could have been, should have been, incredible.
